Shame Belongs in the Trash Can

“Doorways” was the theme of the retreat. Thirteen spirit-filled women gathered at St. Damiano near Winchester, Virginia, where I offered meditations. We pondered the many doorways in our life: big doorways to life and death. To a new season in life. Doors that open and close to friendships over the years—and the little doorways we pass through with our day-to-day choices. And the doorways that lead to other doorways, as God leads us one step at a time. My biggest door—a physical one—was to the chapel where, in 1990, I would walk in a Protestant and walk out a Catholic. My reception into the Church was only possible because I had opened the doorway of my heart to the gentle, insistent knocking of Jesus. Of all our doorways, the most important is the one to our heart. The one Jesus is knocking on in Revelation 3:20. “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will enter his house and dine with him, and he with me.” Our hearts were made to resonate at the frequency of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Do we heed the cadence of his knocking and let him in?  What am I letting in this door? There are two reasons the door to our heart is the most important of all. 1What we open our heart to informs all the other doors we’re likely to open or close. Letting Jesus inhabit our heart ensures that our other choices will build up the Kingdom in our souls, in our relationships, and in the world. 2The second reason why the door to our heart is most important is that we become what we love.We are, in a way, transformed into what we invite into our hearts. I invite you to ponder what things you let into your heart. And how you have been changed by those things. How you have, in a way, become what you let through that door. So many things knock on the door of our heart! Will we listen for Jesus’ distinctive knock? It’s usually not the loudest one. And how will we respond?    Then and now Before I opened the door to Jesus, I let a lot of darkness in. I let other people define who I was. Overachieving and perfectionism were my cover-ups for low self-worth. Fear of failure and rejection ruled my life. When I finally opened the door to Him, everything began to get better—lighter.  Self-doubt, anxiety, and perfectionism were crowded out by thoughts and actions that reflected a new hope. Today, I love showing people who are struggling those things how to overcome them in practical ways that are 100% Catholic—with Jesus at the center.   Lives are changed People who work closely with me discover the simple keys to reclaiming their peace when someone or something tries to steal it.  For example, my client Alsy, a work-from-home mother of two littles, said, “The kids will continue to be crazy, but I’m in a better place.” After working with me, Amy, a Florida sheep farmer, said, “I don’t beat myself up like I used to.” Before we worked together, Kristie, a medical coder and grandmother, described herself as impatient. Today, she says, “I bring a quiet spirit to situations that used to annoy me. Now, I constantly feel a sense of grace, or calmness and contentment in whatever I’m doing.”   Next step As a coach and spiritual director, I would love to offer you a free Clarity Call to find out what your next best step is to overcome chronic anxiety, indecision, and self-doubt—for good.  So that you can step into your Catholic womanhood with more confidence and joy. Schedule a free, no obligation phone call with me here. Julia said, “I feel like I should pay you for this call—it was so valuable!”  But, nope—it’s free. 😇 Book your call now!

I felt shame last week when my hairdresser cancelled on me and I had to give a presentation looking like Roseanne Roseannadanna. I know – first world problems, right? But shame can still blindside me. And we all need to know how put shame in the trash can, no matter how or why it rears its oppressive head – because it’s never good.    Shame or Guilt? Hey, wait – isn’t it holy to feel guilty when we’ve done something that offends God? Yes, but here’s the difference: Shame is a feeling of sad worthlessness that comes from the lies of our enemy. “You failed.” “You’ve lost everyone’s respect.” “What’s the use?”  The devil is all about shame and blame. He wants to separate us from the love of God – separate us from the reality of who we are in God’s eyes. After all, misery loves company – and our enemy wants us to feel as despairing and miserable as he does! Throw his lies in the trash by asking yourself, “Is it a sin that’s causing me this pain?” If the answer is no, and the shame comes from social awkwardness, or an honest misunderstanding, or if your hormones are acting up and you feel like everything you do is wrong today, reach out to God with a prayer like this: Thank you, Lord, for this day. Thank you for all the people I will meet this day. Help me to remember that the meaning of my existence is your love for me – and that I don’t have to do or be anything except who I am for you to love me completely. I love you, too, Lord. Keep me in your protection and care. Amen.   Constructive Guilt If you feel bad because you did something uncharitable, make a beeline to Confession. Guilt can actually be our friend because it nudges us to get to the Sacraments. There, we can accept the healing and forgiveness that God is always offering us – and be sparkly new again.   Attitude Shift Ponder Jesus’ words to the lay mystic Gabrielle Bossis from her book He and I. This is Jesus, now, talking to a lay woman just like you and me: “Even if you ceased to love me, I should always love you. Even if you no longer listened for my voice in the silence, I should still make it possible for you to hear me. This is how every sinner finds me waiting.  “Who could ever weigh my love or set a price on it, or measure it? And who could ever dream of the immensity of my tenderness? For my love is tender. When you hear me say, ‘I am thirsty,’ I’m calling on your tenderness….”   Tip to Combat Shame Jesus waits for our love. And he thirsts to give us his – always and everywhere, no matter what we’ve done. He’s waiting. Consider spending some quiet time with him before the Tabernacle or in any quiet place this week and let him love you. Your shame will begin to evaporate and God will replace it with confidence that you’re safe in his arms.   Take the Next Step If you’re bothered by feelings of shame that you can’t shake – or not sure what to even do or say when you try to connect with God – let’s talk.  As a spiritual director, I’m trained to ask you questions that you’ve probably never asked yourself – which will get you crystal clear on where you are now spiritually and how to take the next step forward with confidence. Book a free Clarity Call with me at TalkWithRose.net.  I promise you’ll walk away encouraged, knowing what your next best step is to have a close connection with God so that you can live every day with the confidence of a beloved daughter.   

Does this sound familiar? You offer your day to God first thing in the morning. And because you did that, things go pretty well and stay relatively sane. You’re cruising along, trusting God’s will, feeling his power in everything you do, and then -- boom! The computer crashes or you run into a traffic backup when there’s no time to spare. What happened to our plans? Where did our peace go? I mean, we need to have expectations of what’s going to happen or we couldn't survive. We can’t do without planning, and planning means expectations. Which means frustration when things don’t go our way. What to do? If you carry little annoyances throughout your day, help is on the way! Join me in my free workshop, “Banish Anxiety: 5 Simple Steps to Lasting Peace and Purpose.” Register here.   It helps if a part of us is open to the unexpected – because our expectations can work against us when God has something else in mind. St. Francis de Sales said, “Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.”  Maybe it means holding our expectations with less of a grip, with less of a feeling that “this is what has to happen, or else.” And to practice expecting God to redirect our plans sometimes and to trust that it’s for our own good.  Our first reaction can easily be “No, this can’t happen.” But what if our second reaction was that of St. Elizabeth Ann Seton: “Oh, my heavenly Father, I know that these contradicting events are permitted and guided by Thy wisdom, which alone is light.” Mother Seton developed a habit of recognizing God’s action when her plans and expectations were preempted – she learned to let him in when people and things contradicted her expectations, many times every day. At the time when God is redirecting us, it feels like we’re driving along in our car and the passenger suddenly grabs the steering wheel and turns a corner we weren't expecting. It feels shocking and it feels like something that's ours -- my plans, my expectations are being hijacked. It feels territorial. And now our schedule to achieve something by noon is in the trash. Having our expectations contradicted never feels good. But the Cross never feels good. It didn't feel good to Jesus and it doesn't feel good to us. If, like Mother Seton and Francis de Sales, we can see our expectations as being as being expendable when God wants to replace them with something else -- and see it as a healthy part of our Christian journey, we will be learning to take up our daily cross and follow him. Mother Seton put it this way: “Can you expect to go to heaven for nothing? Did not our Savior track the whole way to it with His tears and blood? And yet you stop at every little pain.” We want to take the lead and we don't want to follow anybody! But that's not what Jesus asks of us. He asks us to take up our daily cross and follow him. He’s the only one whose expectations really matter. Because he is leading us to eternal life. We don't know the way to heaven, but he does. And he told us plainly that picking up our cross hour by hour is the way to do that. Finally, St. Katherine Drexel wisely tells us: “Peacefully do at each moment what at that moment ought to be done. If we do what each moment requires, we will eventually complete God’s plan, whatever it is. We can trust God to take care of the master plan when we take care of the details.” We can best take care of the details when we plan well and accept the unexpected with grace. If you’d like to learn skills to start living more intentionally in God’s grace every day, register here for my free workshop, “Banish Anxiety: 5 Simple Steps to Lasting Peace and Purpose.”

Today we experience what the ancients longed to see. “Oh, that you would tear the heavens open and come down!” (Is. 63:19). At Pentecost, the Holy Spirit came down from heaven in tongues of fire. That fire changed the apostles from men who cowered in fear to men who boldly proclaimed the risen Christ.  The Blessed Virgin had already given consent the “overshadowing” of the Holy Spirit, her spouse, at the Annunciation. She was present to prepare and accompany the apostles to be changed forever from timidity to boldness in love. Our baptism and confirmation give us the same boldness in the Truth! But we’re so often afraid! How can we live out that boldness?   Let God Do It A friend told me today that she prays, “God lead me in your path, even if I know nothing about it.” The same thought has been on my mind lately. Because my prayer too often assumes that I am on the wrong path and I beg God to put me right. But what would happen if I assumed that God hears my prayers, knows what he’s doing, has actually sent the Holy Spirit, and I’m on the right path without knowing it? Wouldn’t that change everything?   Low Confidence in Myself I become discouraged when I rely too much on my own strength to become holy and to do the virtuous thing. I see my failures and wonder whether I can ever do it.  Did I say “I”?   Confidence in the Spirit Believing that God is guiding us—really believing it, though we may not see it—changes our attitude toward everything. It frees us from doubt and even self-doubt. Because it’s not about us, it’s about God working in us.  That kind of faith in our personal daily “pentecost,” which is about receiving rather than just doing, frees us to love without worrying about the results. It frees us to do that scary thing for God that will give someone else the courage to take holy risks.  It frees us from worry about the future because we really believe that the good God is in control.   Big Plans God has big plans for us! They include giving us everything we need to become the image of His Son, through whom and for whom we were created. And we know that’s just the beginning: he plans to keep us close to him forever in heaven, which we can start practicing for now.  I challenge you to live this week as if all the gifts of the Holy Spirit are yours, that they are already alive and active in you. I challenge you to take your eyes off your weaknesses and look instead at God’s victory in you, as you receive the tongues of fire he is sending you right this moment to his glory and yours. And if you’d like practical tips for stepping out in faith, join me at my upcoming workshop: “Banish Anxiety: 5 Simple Steps to Lasting Peace and Purpose.” Register for free here.

In today's video, I share with you a surprising question a priest asked me. It caught me by surprise because it's so simple and so deep. Enjoy the flowers, too, as we navigate the depths of winter! ♥️ Rose

My uncle John called his late mother-in-law “Rosebud” (her name was Rose). Entering the room with a big smile, he’d call out, “How ya doin’ Rosebud?” The 85-year-old woman would beam at the tenderness of that name and the appreciation that came with it. He made her feel beautiful because he saw her with eyes of love. We are all rosebudsI took this photo of rosebuds because they made me think of the difference between how we see ourselves and how God sees us. A rosebud is beautiful because it will be a big red rose someday. ...It's just not there yet. When we look at ourselves, we sometimes see only what we think is wrong: our lack of patience in traffic, our failure to forgive, the times we snap at our children. All the habits that we hope will bloom into virtue someday.....but we’re not there yet. And worse, we compare ourselves to women who seem to have it all together – when we have no idea how they feel on the inside. Rosebud momentsWe want to be Christ-like. But we still do thoughtless things like giving the slowpoke grocery cashier a glare of disapproval. Or correcting our husband when he loads the dishwasher wrong. Sorry, God.... A new way of  seeingA student in my coaching group said something that stuck with me: "We all have free will. We can choose to accept what other people do with their free will."  She meant that what other people do or don't do doesn't have that much to do with us. And if we avoid taking personally what others do and focus on the beautiful things God's doing for us instead, we'll have more peace. And we'll realize how much we've bloomed without even knowing it. God sees the roseGod sees the rose. God is outside of time and sees us as we will be in heaven – when we are finally and forever in full bloom – in his glory. He sees us like Uncle John saw his mother-in-law – beautiful, complete, and worthy of love. Rosebuds are beautiful, tooNo one would pick a bouquet of rosebuds. But we like to mix them in with the flowers because anticipating the future blossoms adds to the beauty of a bouquet. Our own “rosebuds” don’t need to discourage us. They're beautiful in their way because they remind us how much we need God. If we’re keeping close to the source of all flourishing – Jesus – in prayer, Confession, and in the Mass, we can afford to see our flaws as so many buds that are poised to burst into bloom – in God’s time.A gift for youIf your faults or the faults of those around you sometimes steal your peace, you won't want to miss this! Join me in my upcoming 75-min workshop, "Banish Anxiety: 5 Simple Steps to Lasting Peace and Purpose." It's free. Register here. Love always,Rose

Resolving hurts and moving on is about the toughest thing we do. Forgiveness is a skill we get better at the more we practice. The Christian concept of forgiveness is letting go of our right to take revenge. It doesn’t mean we won’t follow through with a just lawsuit or call the police. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we need to be chums after the offense. It simply means we’ve given the job of payback to God, where it belongs. That frees us up spiritually to love. Because love means wishing the best for someone. We can both testify against someone in court and also pray that they go to heaven when they die. Three “masters of forgiveness” can show us how it’s done.  Forgive your persecutors First, Mohandas Gandhi (1869-1948) said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Forgiving means letting go of our victim status. Being a victim gives someone else power over our thoughts and our mood. Instead, forgiveness enables us to re-claim the freedom of the children of God to pursue virtue and let God take care of the rest.  In Gandhi’s case, forgiveness was mixed with a lot of courage as he faced repeated imprisonments from peacefully protesting unjust laws in South Africa and India. In total, he spent over six years in jail. Forgive yourself Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) wrote, “If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man’s life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility.” Longfellow may have been thinking of times he hurt people because of his own desperate pain over losing the love of his life, his wife Fanny, whose dress caught fire one day and who died several days later from the burns. Longfellow had thrown himself on her to extinguish the fire, getting severely burned himself in the process. But it’s worth wondering whether he ever fully forgave himself for not being able to save her. Forgive the ungrateful St. Mother Teresa famously put it this way: “People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.” It is said that “hurt people hurt people:” those that carry heavy wounds tend to wound others in turn. It can help us forgive if we remember that when someone hurts us, it’s because of their wounds, not because they marked us out for injury for no reason. Even Jesus on the Cross said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” In the end, everything is between us and God. Virtues like forgiveness are strengths of character that make doing the right thing relatively easy and joyful. And the only way for that to happen is to keep our eyes on Jesus, immerse ourselves in his wounds, and love with the strength of his Sacred Heart – especially when it’s difficult. Love always, Rose P.S. If you missed my live zoom workshop, “Banish Anxiety: 5 Simple Steps to Lasting Peace and Purpose,” I’m doing it again in a couple of weeks! Claim your seat at rosefolsom.com/training. You’ll come away with tips for a prayer life that will make forgiving a little easier.

Eating lunch yesterday, I looked out my picture window to see the neighbor boy, Avery, shooting hoops in his driveway, wearing a backpack. I wondered why he was wearing a backpack. Then, his mother came out and called him to the car. He got in and they drove off. Avery knows what some of us have forgotten: that there is true freedom of spirit in grabbing 10 minutes between duties to do something restorative. It could be spending a few minutes in prayer, it could be going outside for air, playing with the dog, or enjoying a piece of dark chocolate. Anything to break our routine and to remind us that we are children of God, born for freedom. For Avery, it was perfecting his 3-point shot. Management expert David Allen, author of Getting Things Done, advises us to make a list of things we can do in 10 minutes. Then, when we’re in between duties, or waiting for the next meeting to start, we can go to our list and make good use of that time. What’s in it for me?Two good things result. 1First, a short nap or a walk outside will charge our battery for whatever’s next. 2Second, even if the thing we do is a “duty,” like finally putting the new sticker on our license plate before it expires, we feel freer because that 10-min thing-to-do isn’t weighing us down anymore. The vice of sloth (which includes procrastination) plagues many of us. Surprisingly, the virtue that cures sloth is love. That is, if we love God more, we’ll be more eager to do what he asks of us. Instead of seeing our to-do list as a burden, we’re more likely to see it as our way of serving God today. (And God loves a cheerful giver!) On the other hand, if we find ourselves wasting time with nothing to show for it, we feel the opposite of free. The emotional rut just gets deeper, and happiness slips farther and farther away. But filling our “in-between times” with something on our list of quick things we want to do can keep us from being mentally crushed by what we have to do. We can build up our love of God by including one-on-one time with God on our “10-minute” list.Not sure how?Well, join me in my free 75-minute workhsop this Thursday, May 29: "Banish Anxiety: 5 Simple Steps to Lasting Peace and Purpose." You'll get inspiration and practical tips on how to connect with God with a closeness you may never have experienced before! Register here! Stress comes when we start believing we're in charge of making things happen and in charge of the results. That’s a frame of mind that can make it extra hard to reach for the 10-minute list. What? Give up control? Do something fun? Thanks, but I think I’ll just stew instead! Whoa, girl. That’s when I know the 10-minute list is my lifeline to the sip of peace and freedom God is offering me. And it took a 14-year-old boy in his driveway to remind me of that. As the psalmist sang: We escaped with our lives like a birdfrom the fowler’s snare;the snare was broken,and we escaped.Our help is in the name of the Lord,the maker of heaven and earth.Ps. 124:7-8 Here are a few things on my new 10-minute list: 1. Do something about the mystery stain on the stairs. 2. Dance barefoot to Dancin’ in the Street.3. Go outside and actually enjoy the flowers I planted. Scroll down to the comments and share one thing you can put on your list!(And don't forget to register here so you don't miss the "Banish Anxiety" workshop.) Love always,Rose